Grief, Life, motherhood

My Story, My Babies.

*Trigger Warning*

This isn’t for the faint of heart. I talk about pregnancy loss and I talk about medical termination of one of my pregnancies (abortion because of medical reasons). I also talk about depression and dark thoughts similar to suicide. That might be triggering to some.

If you decide to read do so at your own risk and if you have anything to share feel free. However, I will ban comments that are deemed inappropriate. Thank you for understanding.


Alright, it’s been real everyone. This might be longer than I want it to be. I don’t mind sharing my experiences. It’s tough to even put it in words sometimes. So I’ll do my best and share what I can.

In honor of pregnancy and miscarriage awareness month (October 15th is the Remembrance Day) I decided to share my story. I’ve touched on it in the past. But never in depth talked about my emotions. My thoughts. The grieving process I suppose. I find that talking about it and sharing my story can help others going through the same thing or open a perspective for some that may know someone going through it or simply want to know what we go through. There’s no words for people who’ve experienced this. No amount of words can take the pain away. But, if sharing this can open people’s eyes and chip away the stigma around it. I’m more than honored to talk about it.


Over three years ago on May 23rd, 2016 I would wake up like any other day. No symptoms besides one of my cats being all over the days leading up to. I would take another pregnancy test the same way I did all the other days only for it to come up negative. I was sure it would be negative again. It’s been 10 months of trying to conceive how would that day be any different; or so I thought. Through heavy eyelids, I checked my test five minutes later and saw it clear as day. The other line. The line that tells me I was with child. My life was going to change. My husband was going to be a father. My family would welcome this child with love. Oh how this child would be loved.


As the days passed I dealt with stretching pains, an excited family wondering what we would be having. A girl or a boy. Everyone swore up and down it would be a boy. While my husband and I were sure I was having a girl. I have a journal where I kept my thoughts and growing maternal instinct almost every week. The joy we felt when found out we were going to have a baby girl. I still swell with bittersweet emotions from the thought. How tightly my husband held my hand. The way I laughed when they told us it was a girl. Surprising my parents with a chocolate cake that had a pink flower. It’s all there. I cherish those memories. My last memories with her. The last ones I had where I was a first time mother unaware and oblivious to the devastation to come. How I wish I could hug her. Prepare her for what’s to come.


I won’t go into too much detail of that day. I’ll share my thoughts through the whole thing and what actually happened.

August 24th was probably like any other day I suppose. I always bled a bit during my pregnancy with Rosebud. Always had urine infections. That was all normal for 18 weeks. The cramps were surprisingly more painful. As the day carried on my cramps would get worse. Eventually, leading me to call my dad to drop me off to the Emergency Room just in case. I was always told to go to the ER if I experienced bleeding that was out of the ordinary. After a few hours I was out. They checked my Baby girl. She looked great and figured she was sleeping since they prodded her and she moved around. Heartbeat strong as can be. My cervix closed and no signs of anything wrong. My husband had texted me saying maybe I was having first pregnancy jitters. That I was perfect and she was perfectly fine. The cramps never subsided as I went home with my sister in law. We talked about how weird it was that I was still having pain. I was tired. All I wanted was to get to bed and wake up feeling better. Upon arriving home I felt like I was (literally) peeing myself. I chalked it up to the urine infection while baby is on my bladder as I ran to the bathroom to clean up.

More blood? More water? Why doesn’t my pee stop? It’s as if I have no control over myself anymore. This pain. What are these pains on my right side? My appendix? Great. I’m pregnant and about to perhaps die because my appendix is about to burst.

Eventually the pain was coming in and out every few minutes and since I couldn’t reach my parents (it was about past 2am at this point) I called 911. I cried because of the pain and fear. At no point did the thought crossed my mind that I was in labor. I actually thought I was dying of something else. This is where things get fuzzy for me the ambulance ride, arriving, getting my vitals checked, my sister in law asking me if I was okay. I was in a lot of pain and all I wanted was for this pain to stop. I didn’t want to die. I just wanted everything to be okay. I remember my sister in law telling me that the sheets I had hugged between my legs were slowly getting soaked in blood. Before it truly could hit me. It happened. I felt a part of me die. I felt my heart slowly crumble. A little light in my soul go out. I barely remember what I said only the tears and no matter how much I cried out. It wasn’t going to make time stand still. I wasn’t going to get my daughter back. Making the dreadful call to my parents. Telling them I had lost my baby. Their first grandchild. My husband would get a text at work saying his daughter was gone and that his wife was probably bleeding. How time passed so slowly at first in that room where they told me not only that I lost my daughter but my placenta wasn’t coming out. I was losing blood. To endure even more pain to save me. The dark thoughts that went through me at first.

“Do I really want to be saved? Was it worth saving someone who was now an empty shell?”

Yes. I was. But I didn’t know it at the time.

I watched the pale look on my husband’s face as he walked into the room. The guilt and despair on his face was haunting. No tears. Only emotions. I was okay, right? I would be. Just not today or the days to come.


Her ashes are with us. A UTI gone bad to the point it weakened her placenta and everything around her. Nothing could of been done. No amount of antibiotics. Nothing. The grief was still in our hearts when I found out I was pregnant again only months later. We were excited yet cautious. Only to find out that our baby was not well. His brain hadn’t developed and his heart was going to give out any day. He never moved or showed any other signs of life besides his slow heartbeat. Unfortunately, I decided to terminate at around 15 weeks with him. Enough to find out what we were having and figure out what was wrong. The devastation I felt was doubled upon. I cried the whole way home not caring who was around me. I had experience the loss of not one but two babies. I felt as though the world hated me. That I wasn’t meant to be a mother. I was overwhelmed with emotions even up to the day of termination. May 30th 2017 I would lose Ulrich; Our first son.


No one prepares for this. Pregnancy is a time of joy and preparing yourself to be a parent whether it be the first time, second or more after. Also, it not only impacts the immediate person but even those around you sometimes. I was in a dark place where I didn’t know how I could go on without my babies. I did therapy, played video games, took walks with my husband. I started to realize that I had to take things a day at a time. My day would come where I would be a mother hopefully one way or another. Thankfully, I was able to. Yet there are days I think about my babies and the tears come running. Nothing can prepare you for grief. We just live with it everyday.


Thank you for reading this far. If you or anyone you know has experienced pregnancy loss or stillbirth, I am so sorry. My condolences are with you and that person. I hope you know that you’re not alone. Much love everyone.

Life, Shedding my Weight, weight loss

Weight loss and Hormones

Getting on that scale every Friday is intimidating. I look forward to it to see what’s working and what’s not. I don’t because I’m afraid to fail. As a woman of course every month I go through a week of having my menstrual (yes, my period) and the cravings used to be for Oreos. Not that I would deny having an Oreo milkshake even now. However, it’s usually much less likely for me to deny any while dealing cramps.


Luckily, I’ve been able to curb the cravings so far. I don’t deny myself the sweets. I only taste and move on for the most part. Besides, the protein shakes and afternoon walks really do curb the cravings as much as it can. I’m proud to say that although before my vacation I lost 3 pounds and gained 4. I was able to lost 7 lbs since coming back September 12. It’s been a month and 7 lbs is progress. Although I’m sure I can lose more. I’ll continue to do so. I’ll take as much as I can get at this point. Even if it’s 1lb a week. I’ll share more as I go. For now it’s only protein in the morning. Less carbs. More water. Combined with intermittent fasting. Hopefully I’ll continue losing every week!

Life

NYC Comic Con 2019

The adventure never ends! My husband and I have been trying out best to get out there. Save money aside to attend events together. Last time we went to comic con was 2015 so it was about time to return! I love the atmosphere, cosplays and everyone enjoying their time. The booths and exclusive items. Artists selling their artworks. It’s amazing the amount of things you can get. It’s fairly easy to spend money on things and lose track from all the awesome things that are sold! Also can’t tell you how many times we stopped different cosplayers for photos. Mostly my sister in law honestly. I preferred taking the photos and exploring the booths for cool pieces to take home. Overall, I love the experience and will probably end up going every year if possible. If you want to see a few photos I took. Check out my Instagram. Next year, I’ll bring my camera and focus on getting much better photos. Anyone else enjoy going to comic con or other social events? Let me know below. Thanks for reading!


When I frame and put up all the artwork we purchased. I’ll post them up with the artist credentials for you all to check them out. I’m all about supporting artists and their well deserved work.

Life, Shedding my Weight, weight loss

Weight Loss Update

As most of you know from my previous blog. I started my weight loss journey to hopefully reach my goal slowly. Going on vacation I did my best to limit myself (not have seconds of any foods. Tasting dessert rather than finishing them. Limiting carbs as much as I could) overall I only gained 2 pounds which isn’t bad! Thought it would be more like 5 pounds. It’s been 2 weeks and I’m already down the 2 pounds that I gained. I need to buy more fat burner protein. Go back to limiting my carb intake more. Going out for more walks at least 4 times a week. Currently it’s about 3-4 but they’re usually short or too long that I lose the nerve to go the next day. I really hope in 6 months to reach my small goal of losing about 15 pounds. Wish me luck cause it’s more difficult than I planned it would be.

Life

Cruising Experience

I’m back! Took a few days to settle in. After being on a ship for a little over 8 days. Stepping on land was interesting. For two days standing still or even laying still was an issue. It felt like I was still on the ship so I kept myself busy cause the feeling is weird. Thankfully it’s gone.


The experience overall was amazing. You have all this anxiety beforehand to get ready, pack, leaving our son behind with his grandparents (ended up being the least stressful thing. He loved being with them!) and overall first vacation as a couple jitters. Once you’re on the ship, checked in, in the room or hanging out up in the deck with the view. Your body, your soul, everything just relaxes. We couldn’t believe it! As a parent we were going to miss our boy. As a couple it was lovely to know that we would have this time to ourselves and savor being away for a bit.


First off, there’s so much food! Buffet, Tacos/Burritos, burgers, Pizza 24/7, Deli, bbq, pasta, gourmet dinners, desserts and of course drinks! Most of these are included but some cost extra money (specialty restaurants, alcohol, things from the islands or port you stop at)

Overall everything tasted wonderful! I tried my best to try new things and I went with things that either looked appetizing, sounded good or would order something familiar just in case. There’s always something new to try or you can go with what’s wonderful already. Which is what I love. Cooking at home can be stressful. I love cooking but some days I just don’t know what to make so having that all done for you and not have to worry about what to eat on a vacation is a definite highlight. There’s so much to share and tell. I’ll probably save for another day if anyone’s interested. For now I’ll share some photos or click here to follow me on Instagram for some photos and of course any updates. Back to the real world I go!

Dream Journal, Life

Spiritual Dreaming

Ever since I was young. I’ve been dreaming (literally) almost my whole life as far as I can remember. Anywhere between random, happy, or nightmares. I’m not sure when the nightmares began. I was probably about five which is normal for any child to have night terrors. You eventually think it’ll be something you grow out of. You start to even avoid horror movies or creepy stories. Just to see if you can avoid having nightmares. Unfortunately, I never grew out of it. I wonder if it’s my overactive imagination or my emotions have a way of showing itself to me in the most horrible ways. It went to the point that while dreaming, I developed (well my brain somewhere did this) some sort of way to protect itself during these times of horrors or protect myself from “real” life. It’s almost as if another part of myself talks and interacts with me when I need it the most.


Another thing I’ve noticed. Not sure if it this applies to my obsession with orcas when I was younger but when I was young. I would always dream about an orca when I was scared or struggling through life. If I was near a body of water in my dream. I would see either it’s tail or dorsal fin. I could see it has some sort of tribal “tattoos” while passing through. If I dreamt I was in the water. There was nothing. Just me in the water and slowly from the corner of my eye it would appear and pass by me. The dream is quiet as if all of sudden I’m deaf and nothing else matters but the connection between me and this orca. The tribal “tattoos” are a deep red from what I can remember. As an adult now, where I don’t watch anything that has to do with orcas. It almost feels like something I default to when I’m dreaming and going through a hard time in life. It’s either the orca or someone speaking to me in my dreams. The brain works in mysterious way I suppose.


Anyone else have vivid dreams? Dreamt of things before they happened? There’s so many other dreams I would like to share with y’all from my dream journal. Much love and take care!

Life

Green and Loved

I’ve always wanted a plant to brighten and liven things up a bit in my home. It’s hard because having three cats there’s so many plants that can be poisonous and I rather look in person than online. It was long forgotten till today. I was able to get a terrarium succulent while grocery shopping today. It’s adorable, small and I fell in love with it. I researched how to care for it. Bought the fertilizer for it every month. Put it in my room (which faces south and has bright light coming in) and now we have a lovely little plant. Hopefully these cats don’t try to mess with it. They were more curious than anything. We shall see how it progresses. I never took care of a plant or even owned one in the past four years. Do I have a green thumb? Or will this be an epic fail…


Enjoy this photo of my cat Makoto checking out our new addition

Any tips about succulents or plants that aren’t poisonous to my cats while being easy to take care of. Let me know in the comments! Or drop a comment if you have a succulent and let me know how it’s doing.