Life

Green and Loved

I’ve always wanted a plant to brighten and liven things up a bit in my home. It’s hard because having three cats there’s so many plants that can be poisonous and I rather look in person than online. It was long forgotten till today. I was able to get a terrarium succulent while grocery shopping today. It’s adorable, small and I fell in love with it. I researched how to care for it. Bought the fertilizer for it every month. Put it in my room (which faces south and has bright light coming in) and now we have a lovely little plant. Hopefully these cats don’t try to mess with it. They were more curious than anything. We shall see how it progresses. I never took care of a plant or even owned one in the past four years. Do I have a green thumb? Or will this be an epic fail…


Enjoy this photo of my cat Makoto checking out our new addition

Any tips about succulents or plants that aren’t poisonous to my cats while being easy to take care of. Let me know in the comments! Or drop a comment if you have a succulent and let me know how it’s doing.

Grief, Life, motherhood

Three without You

Happy birthday my Rosebud. It’s been three years.

Three years I’ll never get with you,

-even I find it hard to believe it’s true.

Three years I’ve dealt with this grief,

-still in on our minds even if it’s brief.

Three years that still haunt me today,

-some days I still ask myself if I’m okay.

Three years here without you here,

-Yet, our love for you never disappeared.


For those that don’t know. I was suppose to have a daughter January 2017. But life has other plans and she was born August 2016. Every year I write a poem. We eat out and silently celebrate her. As I reminisce in my pregnancy with her. She was my first. The one that gave me all those first feelings. Doubts. Dreams. All that I can ever hope for in the 4 months that I carried her. If you’ve been through this I’m so sorry. Life heals. Life gets better. You never forget, you just find a new way to live.

Life

Industrial Piercing

It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. The worst part is mostly after. The aftercare and trying to remember the piercing is there. It’s fresh and it hurts when I forget it’s there! It’s rare but it happens and I’m sure it will continue to happen. I’ll be posting healing updates and progression photos until I change it. One thing for sure I completely forgot I can’t swim underwater with a fresh piercing. Gladly, the vacation I have planned isn’t all about swimming.

Day 1 Freshly pierced

Day 3 Little to no blood and not much swelling

This might take a while to heal anywhere from 4 months to 1 year. Hoping for the best healing wise. Wish me luck.

Life

“The Journey to Self Care”

I wasn’t always the type to take care of myself before. The most I would do is indulge in my favorite foods or snack on an Oreo if I was feeling wild. Then, I learned that self care runs a lot deeper than that. If I’m being honest. I really started about a few months ago being serious about my self care and before that my mental health. That’s a story for another day. Stay tuned.


Back in April, I finally gave in and bought myself a kindle. I know, I know. It’s nothing like a physical copy and what not. Frankly, I’m not a fan of the clutter it creates plus no time for library trips. Anyway, so I got my first kindle after debating it for a over a year. Got myself the unlimited membership and it began. I poured myself every night into a new story. I escaped to a different worlds. Slowly I felt my moods change and found myself not overthinking or worrying too much. That’s when I realized that before being a mother having hobbies made me sane. Now I was an overthinking mess. By the end of June I made a separate Instagram account for makeup, products reviews and blog posts. I started making time for myself for skin care and light make up. Took time to go back into some video games and shows. I can finally say I’m doing so much better than before.


Before all this, it’s not that I was terrible. I just wasn’t myself. My skin was dry and dull. My eyes started to darken from lack of sleep. My mind was in constant battle with itself from overthinking and being bored. I would occasionally play some mobile games or distract myself with little things here and there. But it wasn’t enough. Things were setting me off, my moods were in this odd flux that I couldn’t understand myself. Overall I was content but these moments of darkness would send me spiraling and it would build up. That’s why this journey is important. That’s why I always tell others you need to love yourself before you can love others. It makes you a happier person overall and that’s what counts.


Life

“Love at First Sight”

Does anyone believe in this anymore? That you just know who’s the one? Can it happen at any point of our lives? It’s difficult to know when life itself is so confusing. Can’t it just give us a sign? Wish it were that easy.

My husband is my first crush/love. You know that cute crush you have as kid in elementary school. Where you don’t even know what love is. You just get this nervous pit in your stomach and avoid them like the plague. It makes your day to see them. But if they look your away. You’re ready to disappear in a split second. That was me. My heart would beat so fast just by seeing him. We barely ever talked even though I was social and liked talking to people. He was quiet and to himself. Who was I? This 8 year old to invade his world. How rude. Later I found out he lived across the street from me. We would casually run into each other around our neighborhood. Yet, still I avoided him.

By the time I worked up to even say his name and say hello. We had already graduated elementary. I was 10. It was too late to be friends. Too late to ask him what his favorite games and cartoons or anime he was into. I was moving away to a different neighborhood.

Years went by and I was 17 when we found each other on Facebook. And it was an instant spark. Emotions I didn’t think would come flooding back. I wanted to know his favorite everything. We bonded over our favorite shows, music, and things we wanted in life. Finding out later that he did want to be my friend after I said hello that one day. We laugh about it till this day. We’re amazed at how life had us wait for each other.

So do I believe in Love at first sight? Maybe. But, it can take over a decade to realize it.


Thought I would share my love story with my husband cause it’s not something that happens everyday. Makes me believe that things happen for a reason. We’ve grown so much since then especially since we were 17/18. All I can hope for is to continue growing and loving each other. As best friends, lovers, husband and wife but even more so as parents now.


Anyone else have a love story they’d like to share? Comment below and let me know. I love hearing how people their partner.

Life

“How does it feel to be a Mother?”

Can this be summed in enough words? Motherhood. It’s wonderful yet scary. There are moments I couldn’t think straight and other times things were clear as day for me. Where pumping was frustrating to the point I wanted to quit for my sanity. Yet, the satisfaction of breastfeeding even if it meant through a bottle kept me going for a year. Moments where I could barely keep myself up straight cause the night before he was cutting a tooth that we excitedly wanted to see. Being a mother means that you start being needed 24/7 while inputting whatever time there to take care and love yourself because a happy momma is a happy baby. Right…?


I didn’t really grow up around newborns. I was never the first to reach out to other peoples children when babies were brought around in family functions. Neither would I offer myself to babysit. I was full on hoping somehow maternal instinct would magically kick in and teach me all of that. Oh boy did it! It’s like a switch goes off and not only does your mind and soul respond but so do your new milk making machines attached to your chest. I would get this tingle and slight pain the moment he would cry and out came the liquid gold. Once he was attached, some days it was painful to the point of tears. While others I could stare in awe of how amazing a mother’s body can be to produce such greatness for them. Not unless you don’t mind the waterfall of blood that seeps through a new pad you put on not too long ago and your uterus cramping away to oblivion. I laugh now when I think about it. How much of a mess I must of been through all this. A mess of hormones I might add cause through it all I would smile through the tears.


I did my best to push away my doubts. Took a deep breath and kept telling myself tomorrow will be a better day. Motherhood is majestic in its own way. It challenges you in ways you’d never expect. You discover so much about yourself, your life, and your loved ones. I’m grateful for the father my son has. The bond we share. I’m content. So how does it feel to be a mother? Ask me again after I drink this cold cup of coffee maybe I’ll have a different answer 💗

Grief, Life, motherhood

“Is he your first baby?”

I get asked this a lot when I’m out with Alaric. It’s an innocent question. Most would answer it easily with a yes or no. And probably reminisce in baby stories and how is it being either a first time parent or parent to multiples. But it’s a question that sends me spiraling sometimes. Should I lie and say yes? Or should I say no and avoid the questions that come buzzing after. Sadly with my guilt swelling up in my throat. I say yes. Yes he’s my first child. As my stomach churns, my heart sinks and I start feeling almost everything stiffen. How could I say that?

I’m a mother of 3. But, there’s 2 that everyone can’t see. They’re invisible to everyone else except me. Even if those around me forget. I’ll always remember them.

I’m a grieving mother who’s been pregnant 3 times and was blessed to be able to raise one beautiful boy for it. I admit he has healed me more than I thought he would. At first I cried a lot. Whether it be because I was so happy that he was home in my arms. Or cause I was so sad that his sister and brother weren’t with us. Everything was bundled into this whirlwind of postpartum hormones and being a tired first time parent to a child who’s cries and sound of his soft breathing would make my heart swell.

I’m working on not feeling so guilty when people ask. It’s not their fault. I’ve changed my answer to yes he’s my first. While remembering that he was the beginning to many different firsts. The first I get to watch grow up. The first to call me mama. I will still get all those firsts. While still grieving for the ones that didn’t.


If you made it this far. Thank you for reading. If you’re new then hello I’m Sori. In this blog I share my pregnancy loss. In 2016 I found out I was having a girl and in 2017 a boy. Both which couldn’t come home with me. Finally in 2018 my son Alaric was born and I’ve been healing since then along with my husband. We have been so blessed to be able to watch our beautiful boy grow and flourish. Thanks again for reading.