Grief, Life, motherhood

Three without You

Happy birthday my Rosebud. It’s been three years.

Three years I’ll never get with you,

-even I find it hard to believe it’s true.

Three years I’ve dealt with this grief,

-still in on our minds even if it’s brief.

Three years that still haunt me today,

-some days I still ask myself if I’m okay.

Three years here without you here,

-Yet, our love for you never disappeared.


For those that don’t know. I was suppose to have a daughter January 2017. But life has other plans and she was born August 2016. Every year I write a poem. We eat out and silently celebrate her. As I reminisce in my pregnancy with her. She was my first. The one that gave me all those first feelings. Doubts. Dreams. All that I can ever hope for in the 4 months that I carried her. If you’ve been through this I’m so sorry. Life heals. Life gets better. You never forget, you just find a new way to live.

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Life, Shedding my Weight

Week 1 Weight Loss

I thought this week would be harder. I’ll admit I’ve opened my eyes and see how people can be tempted back into old habits. How easy would it be to eat that cookie? To order pizza and not count how many slices I’ve already eaten? Or wake up and eat a snack at 3 am? Yeah it’s hard. But I set this goal for myself. For my health. To show myself that I CAN do this. Some days while I’m walking outside with my son in his stroller. Legs still a bit sore from walking for over a mile yesterday (Well everyday of this week so far). Been drinking the fat burning shakes once everyday for the past 5 days. It’s yummy besides the aftertaste which is tolerable. 1 pound down, so much more to go. My husband and sis in law have joined to help ourselves start a healthier lifestyle. Of course they’ve lost more than I have. Which is amazing just wish I would have the same results. I’ll have to try harder and be more careful with what I eat. Drink more water and keep up with the walks. The goal is at least 5lbs down by the end of the month.

Shedding my Weight, weight loss

Shedding the Weight

It begins. My journey to weight loss through the years has been a battle. I always say I’ll lose and never do. My head was never in the right place. Depression. Comfort eating. Bad habits. All of it just came back every time I tried. I want to start today and see where it takes me. I’m not going to do a crash diet or anything of the sort. Simply going to be more aware of what goes into my body. Change little things here and there. Measure my portions. Morning walks with son for an hour and drinking some Lean Shake I bought in the mornings before hand and tracking my calories with the MyFitnessPal App. Later on in the journey I’ll hopefully reveal my true weight but I’m still uncomfortable in doing so. Every Sunday (or Saturday) I’ll keep everyone updated. Hopefully I can put this in a separate tab somewhere so it’s easy to follow.

Product Review, Skin Care Beauty

Petal Spa Oil to Foam

In my skin care I have a Rose theme going on and I continue to add more things Rose related. I recently bought this oil to foam cleanser from Mamonde to make my nightly skin care much easier. It melts away my makeup which is usually mascara with some eyeshadow and liquid lip. After it’s well distributed. I add a tad bit more with water and foam it up. It feels so luxurious and smells lovely as usual. Leaves my skin feeling soft and clean. The consistency is almost like an oily gel so it’s easy to over use the product thinking it won’t be enough. Plus, whatever bit of makeup or anything is left I usually use my toner and cotton pad to get everything completely off. Honestly, just from the week I’ve been using it’s a definite permanent part of skin care routine as long as it’s available. I always look forward to my night skincare since it relaxes me before going to bed so having something that feels like I’m pampering myself is amazing. You can find this at Ulta by clicking on this link—-> Mamonde Petal Spa Oil to Foam

Life

Bittersweet Memories

Oh August how wonderful and bittersweet you are. It’s the last month before fall which is my favorite time of year. It’s the weird in between month where it would be the last month before school started. The month before the season would change. You felt the breeze become cooler. The energy of the city would take a different turn as businesses and families prepared for the upcoming school days, the cold and of course the holidays. I would swell in excitement and skittish vibes. What would the year bring? Always hoping it would be better than last year. Growing up my perspective was different. It was hopeful and at times a bit lonely growing up. Then things changed….


August 2016 changed for me after I lost my daughter. I go back to that whole month savoring and reminiscing in the last good memories I had being pregnant with her. Finding out we were having a girl. Playing Pokémon Go to get in my walks for the day. We were looking forward to everything with her. Being pregnant in the winter sounded perfect to me. She would of been born close to my birthday. Losing her changed August for me. I might not smile the same but I feel the breeze for her sake. I enjoy the change of seasons because she didn’t. I will include her and her brother I lost after in May 2017 during holidays. I’ll hold their brother who’s running around right now tighter. These bittersweet sweet memories I’ll always hold near me. August will always bring it back to me and for that I thank you.


Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside of us while we live. -Norman Cousins

Life

Being Their Voice

Before ever becoming a mother. The thought brought an anxiety that was so overwhelming I didn’t think I would have any children. How can I take care of this little person that’s my own? Was I capable of being a good mother? Show them that the world is both beautiful yet so cruel. All these thoughts still haunt me. Little less than before they’re replaced with other things now but they’re still there some days.


I also realized throughout life and now having my son. How careful we as parents need to be when we speak to them as they’re growing. It’s easy for them to absorb everything. Children are truly sponges to those around them. We parents are legitimately their first interaction with the world. It comes to no surprise that even to this day I can still hear my parents voices for a lot of the decisions I make in life. It’s something I find humorous most days. When I went to get my first tattoo I could already feel the disappointment of my parents and hear them saying how I probably ruined my body by getting it. Mind you, I was 22 almost 23 and didn’t really mind their disapproval at this point. I’m usually confident in most of my decisions and what I do with my body now that I’m older. Yet, even still I hear them in my head before doing anything. It’s becoming more faint as the years go by and it made me realize that the strongest voices in our children is mostly ours. Their self esteem, confidence, fears and overall sense of self mostly comes from being around us. I hope that I can be better and give my son more positive thoughts than negative ones. That he won’t feel the need to hide things from me. After all, we have free will. Regardless what we tell them. They can choose to rebel against it or listen. They’re always listening. They’re always watching. Strive to be better cause perfection does not exist.


This has always been a fear of mine with having kids. I hope one day if they ever do hear my voice or their dad’s voice. It’s help guide them through life decisions and if it’s small things that they’ll laugh like I did. All in good time I suppose.

Life

Industrial Piercing

It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. The worst part is mostly after. The aftercare and trying to remember the piercing is there. It’s fresh and it hurts when I forget it’s there! It’s rare but it happens and I’m sure it will continue to happen. I’ll be posting healing updates and progression photos until I change it. One thing for sure I completely forgot I can’t swim underwater with a fresh piercing. Gladly, the vacation I have planned isn’t all about swimming.

Day 1 Freshly pierced

Day 3 Little to no blood and not much swelling

This might take a while to heal anywhere from 4 months to 1 year. Hoping for the best healing wise. Wish me luck.