It begins. My journey to weight loss through the years has been a battle. I always say I’ll lose and never do. My head was never in the right place. Depression. Comfort eating. Bad habits. All of it just came back every time I tried. I want to start today and see where it takes me. I’m not going to do a crash diet or anything of the sort. Simply going to be more aware of what goes into my body. Change little things here and there. Measure my portions. Morning walks with son for an hour and drinking some Lean Shake I bought in the mornings before hand and tracking my calories with the MyFitnessPal App. Later on in the journey I’ll hopefully reveal my true weight but I’m still uncomfortable in doing so. Every Sunday (or Saturday) I’ll keep everyone updated. Hopefully I can put this in a separate tab somewhere so it’s easy to follow.
Before ever becoming a mother. The thought brought an anxiety that was so overwhelming I didn’t think I would have any children. How can I take care of this little person that’s my own? Was I capable of being a good mother? Show them that the world is both beautiful yet so cruel. All these thoughts still haunt me. Little less than before they’re replaced with other things now but they’re still there some days.
I also realized throughout life and now having my son. How careful we as parents need to be when we speak to them as they’re growing. It’s easy for them to absorb everything. Children are truly sponges to those around them. We parents are legitimately their first interaction with the world. It comes to no surprise that even to this day I can still hear my parents voices for a lot of the decisions I make in life. It’s something I find humorous most days. When I went to get my first tattoo I could already feel the disappointment of my parents and hear them saying how I probably ruined my body by getting it. Mind you, I was 22 almost 23 and didn’t really mind their disapproval at this point. I’m usually confident in most of my decisions and what I do with my body now that I’m older. Yet, even still I hear them in my head before doing anything. It’s becoming more faint as the years go by and it made me realize that the strongest voices in our children is mostly ours. Their self esteem, confidence, fears and overall sense of self mostly comes from being around us. I hope that I can be better and give my son more positive thoughts than negative ones. That he won’t feel the need to hide things from me. After all, we have free will. Regardless what we tell them. They can choose to rebel against it or listen. They’re always listening. They’re always watching. Strive to be better cause perfection does not exist.
This has always been a fear of mine with having kids. I hope one day if they ever do hear my voice or their dad’s voice. It’s help guide them through life decisions and if it’s small things that they’ll laugh like I did. All in good time I suppose.
I wasn’t always the type to take care of myself before. The most I would do is indulge in my favorite foods or snack on an Oreo if I was feeling wild. Then, I learned that self care runs a lot deeper than that. If I’m being honest. I really started about a few months ago being serious about my self care and before that my mental health. That’s a story for another day. Stay tuned.
Back in April, I finally gave in and bought myself a kindle. I know, I know. It’s nothing like a physical copy and what not. Frankly, I’m not a fan of the clutter it creates plus no time for library trips. Anyway, so I got my first kindle after debating it for a over a year. Got myself the unlimited membership and it began. I poured myself every night into a new story. I escaped to a different worlds. Slowly I felt my moods change and found myself not overthinking or worrying too much. That’s when I realized that before being a mother having hobbies made me sane. Now I was an overthinking mess. By the end of June I made a separate Instagram account for makeup, products reviews and blog posts. I started making time for myself for skin care and light make up. Took time to go back into some video games and shows. I can finally say I’m doing so much better than before.
Before all this, it’s not that I was terrible. I just wasn’t myself. My skin was dry and dull. My eyes started to darken from lack of sleep. My mind was in constant battle with itself from overthinking and being bored. I would occasionally play some mobile games or distract myself with little things here and there. But it wasn’t enough. Things were setting me off, my moods were in this odd flux that I couldn’t understand myself. Overall I was content but these moments of darkness would send me spiraling and it would build up. That’s why this journey is important. That’s why I always tell others you need to love yourself before you can love others. It makes you a happier person overall and that’s what counts.
Something a lot of us as mothers forget to do. We forget to love ourselves and take care of our needs. Even if it’s something small.
I recently started practicing self love. I started taking care of my skin, my hair, I’ve been finding time to read books (on my kindle) and catching up on the shows I never quite finished. Sipping on warm coffee before my son wakes up whether it be in the morning or his afternoon nap. These small moments recharge my emotions and sanity. Not because my son is difficult to handle or I didn’t expect this. Not at all. He’s the center of my world and I adore him with everything in me. I’m just being me. I’m not just mommy. Or just wife. I’m also Sori. Ans like anyone else I too deserve to have a moment to myself so I can face the day with the confidence I know I have. Somewhere.
So take those 10 min to yourself mama. Take a deep breath. You’re doing great. Your child is loved. Fed. Safe. And has you. We don’t need to be perfect for them. We just need to be the best person we can be for them and being happy with ourselves is part of that.