Life

Being Their Voice

Before ever becoming a mother. The thought brought an anxiety that was so overwhelming I didn’t think I would have any children. How can I take care of this little person that’s my own? Was I capable of being a good mother? Show them that the world is both beautiful yet so cruel. All these thoughts still haunt me. Little less than before they’re replaced with other things now but they’re still there some days.


I also realized throughout life and now having my son. How careful we as parents need to be when we speak to them as they’re growing. It’s easy for them to absorb everything. Children are truly sponges to those around them. We parents are legitimately their first interaction with the world. It comes to no surprise that even to this day I can still hear my parents voices for a lot of the decisions I make in life. It’s something I find humorous most days. When I went to get my first tattoo I could already feel the disappointment of my parents and hear them saying how I probably ruined my body by getting it. Mind you, I was 22 almost 23 and didn’t really mind their disapproval at this point. I’m usually confident in most of my decisions and what I do with my body now that I’m older. Yet, even still I hear them in my head before doing anything. It’s becoming more faint as the years go by and it made me realize that the strongest voices in our children is mostly ours. Their self esteem, confidence, fears and overall sense of self mostly comes from being around us. I hope that I can be better and give my son more positive thoughts than negative ones. That he won’t feel the need to hide things from me. After all, we have free will. Regardless what we tell them. They can choose to rebel against it or listen. They’re always listening. They’re always watching. Strive to be better cause perfection does not exist.


This has always been a fear of mine with having kids. I hope one day if they ever do hear my voice or their dad’s voice. It’s help guide them through life decisions and if it’s small things that they’ll laugh like I did. All in good time I suppose.

Life

“The Journey to Self Care”

I wasn’t always the type to take care of myself before. The most I would do is indulge in my favorite foods or snack on an Oreo if I was feeling wild. Then, I learned that self care runs a lot deeper than that. If I’m being honest. I really started about a few months ago being serious about my self care and before that my mental health. That’s a story for another day. Stay tuned.


Back in April, I finally gave in and bought myself a kindle. I know, I know. It’s nothing like a physical copy and what not. Frankly, I’m not a fan of the clutter it creates plus no time for library trips. Anyway, so I got my first kindle after debating it for a over a year. Got myself the unlimited membership and it began. I poured myself every night into a new story. I escaped to a different worlds. Slowly I felt my moods change and found myself not overthinking or worrying too much. That’s when I realized that before being a mother having hobbies made me sane. Now I was an overthinking mess. By the end of June I made a separate Instagram account for makeup, products reviews and blog posts. I started making time for myself for skin care and light make up. Took time to go back into some video games and shows. I can finally say I’m doing so much better than before.


Before all this, it’s not that I was terrible. I just wasn’t myself. My skin was dry and dull. My eyes started to darken from lack of sleep. My mind was in constant battle with itself from overthinking and being bored. I would occasionally play some mobile games or distract myself with little things here and there. But it wasn’t enough. Things were setting me off, my moods were in this odd flux that I couldn’t understand myself. Overall I was content but these moments of darkness would send me spiraling and it would build up. That’s why this journey is important. That’s why I always tell others you need to love yourself before you can love others. It makes you a happier person overall and that’s what counts.


Life

“Enouement”

“the bittersweetness of having arrived in the future, seeing how things turn out, but not being able to tell your past self”- Enouement


I came across this word soon after losing my daughter in 2016. The grief was raw. I still had this numb feeling. Every day waking up I felt as if my body was heavy. It’s truly insane how attached emotions can be to our physical selves. So when I came across this word and looked it up. I, of course, went through so many what if scenarios. My thoughts that were jumbled into this odd ball of grief. Sadness. Anger. Slowly unraveled. I felt sad for the me before the loss. I felt so horrified that she was going to go through one of the most heartbreaking things as a new mother to be. Not just once but twice. She doesn’t know that she will get through it. That eventually there’s a beautiful happy son who’s going to fill her life with happiness and although he makes her long for his siblings. She will be happy. She will be content.


hat girl from before didn’t know she would find her true love one day. One that would understand her full and whole. That she didn’t need to try to be someone she wasn’t. Or figure out her life so much. That she didn’t have to cry at night from being lonely at all. He would eventually come and take a hold of her. Wrap his arms around her and tell her she wouldn’t have to worry. That he would love her till his last breath


I’m sure everyone goes through this at some point. Whether it be a rough patch, a tragic loss, a problem that needed to be solved. You look back and you almost feel bad that you had to go through that to be the person you are right now. Honestly, if I could have a moment with my past self I would hug her. Tell her that it will be okay one day 💗


Anyone else have had moments like this?

Life

“How does it feel to be a Mother?”

Can this be summed in enough words? Motherhood. It’s wonderful yet scary. There are moments I couldn’t think straight and other times things were clear as day for me. Where pumping was frustrating to the point I wanted to quit for my sanity. Yet, the satisfaction of breastfeeding even if it meant through a bottle kept me going for a year. Moments where I could barely keep myself up straight cause the night before he was cutting a tooth that we excitedly wanted to see. Being a mother means that you start being needed 24/7 while inputting whatever time there to take care and love yourself because a happy momma is a happy baby. Right…?


I didn’t really grow up around newborns. I was never the first to reach out to other peoples children when babies were brought around in family functions. Neither would I offer myself to babysit. I was full on hoping somehow maternal instinct would magically kick in and teach me all of that. Oh boy did it! It’s like a switch goes off and not only does your mind and soul respond but so do your new milk making machines attached to your chest. I would get this tingle and slight pain the moment he would cry and out came the liquid gold. Once he was attached, some days it was painful to the point of tears. While others I could stare in awe of how amazing a mother’s body can be to produce such greatness for them. Not unless you don’t mind the waterfall of blood that seeps through a new pad you put on not too long ago and your uterus cramping away to oblivion. I laugh now when I think about it. How much of a mess I must of been through all this. A mess of hormones I might add cause through it all I would smile through the tears.


I did my best to push away my doubts. Took a deep breath and kept telling myself tomorrow will be a better day. Motherhood is majestic in its own way. It challenges you in ways you’d never expect. You discover so much about yourself, your life, and your loved ones. I’m grateful for the father my son has. The bond we share. I’m content. So how does it feel to be a mother? Ask me again after I drink this cold cup of coffee maybe I’ll have a different answer 💗

Grief, Life, motherhood

“Is he your first baby?”

I get asked this a lot when I’m out with Alaric. It’s an innocent question. Most would answer it easily with a yes or no. And probably reminisce in baby stories and how is it being either a first time parent or parent to multiples. But it’s a question that sends me spiraling sometimes. Should I lie and say yes? Or should I say no and avoid the questions that come buzzing after. Sadly with my guilt swelling up in my throat. I say yes. Yes he’s my first child. As my stomach churns, my heart sinks and I start feeling almost everything stiffen. How could I say that?

I’m a mother of 3. But, there’s 2 that everyone can’t see. They’re invisible to everyone else except me. Even if those around me forget. I’ll always remember them.

I’m a grieving mother who’s been pregnant 3 times and was blessed to be able to raise one beautiful boy for it. I admit he has healed me more than I thought he would. At first I cried a lot. Whether it be because I was so happy that he was home in my arms. Or cause I was so sad that his sister and brother weren’t with us. Everything was bundled into this whirlwind of postpartum hormones and being a tired first time parent to a child who’s cries and sound of his soft breathing would make my heart swell.

I’m working on not feeling so guilty when people ask. It’s not their fault. I’ve changed my answer to yes he’s my first. While remembering that he was the beginning to many different firsts. The first I get to watch grow up. The first to call me mama. I will still get all those firsts. While still grieving for the ones that didn’t.


If you made it this far. Thank you for reading. If you’re new then hello I’m Sori. In this blog I share my pregnancy loss. In 2016 I found out I was having a girl and in 2017 a boy. Both which couldn’t come home with me. Finally in 2018 my son Alaric was born and I’ve been healing since then along with my husband. We have been so blessed to be able to watch our beautiful boy grow and flourish. Thanks again for reading.

Life

Forever Sori

Hi everyone! I wanted to take the time to introduce myself.

My name is Sorianny but I go by Sori to everyone else. I’m 25, bilingual, married to my husband for over 3 years (together for 8) and raising a one year old little boy. I’m owned by 3 cats who you might see occasionally. If they’re in the mood. I’m half Dominican and half Puerto Rican but grew up in New York City all my life. Family is important to me and I was blessed with one of the best families I could ever ask for. My life has been a roller coaster between depression, finding the love of my life, experiencing grief through losing two pregnancies one with a girl and one with a boy, going to college, dropping out, and now a stay at home mom/wife who blogs and uses Instagram. Those are stories for another day.

In my free time, when I have any, I like to play video games, watch anime/Netflix/Hulu/YouTube, read on my kindle (been into a lot of mermaid romance) and spend time with my family. I enjoy putting on make up mostly lipstick, mascara, and eyeshadow. But, going to start doing full face makeup. You can see that on my Instagram if you’re all interested. I will be blogging on here and on my Instagram if anything. I chose the name Ever Sori for I’m on a forever journey to find myself in this complicated life. I want to always stay true to myself and Ever means always.

Thank you for reading! If you got this far then you’re awesome! I hope my blog peaks your interest as I talk about anything and everything.